


Prank War

by orphan_account



Category: AFI
Genre: AOD era, Humor, M/M, Pranks, Sailing, frathouse era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-18
Updated: 2014-12-18
Packaged: 2018-03-02 00:06:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2792573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The rest of the band and crew team up against Davey in the tour prank wars. A tale of spilled slurpie, sailing, and sex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Prank War

**Author's Note:**

> another secret santa fic from years back. The prompts were as follows: 
> 
> Prompt one: manly/guyish Javey sex  
> Prompt two: Stunts, pranks, resulting in physical injuries.  
> Prompt three: Sailing and sharks.
> 
> I love this story because it's loaded with dorky shakespearian humor.

Put six bored dudes in a van for days at a time, and someone is bound to get injured. The last several weeks of the tour, tension had been building and gathering like too much air in a balloon, stretching the rubber to an increasingly taut sphere of threatened explosion. It started as a usual prank war: switch the hair gel with the toothpaste, hide Davey’s eye liner, sharpie a penis on unsuspecting, sleeping foreheads. 

This always happened on tour. There were those slow, crawling days of driving through pitifully uninteresting landscapes, flat-ass fields through Arkansas, or the woodsy treelined freeways in Massachusetts, and inevitably Jade would find a way to pass the time. It was always Jade who started it. Everyone assumed Smith was the squirrley brother because he was fuckin’ insane or whatever, but there was this mischievous, slightly evil side of Jade Puget that came out when he got especially bored. He’d sneak around with this manic, feral grin on his face and just start shit with people. Smack water bottles out of their hands or put salt instead of sugar on their cereal. 

It was never hostile, just playful, annoying. But somehow it always escalated. Jade would put shaving cream in Adam’s bedsheets just for fun, and then to get back at him Adam would dump half his slurpie on Jade’s back while they waited in line to pay at seven eleven. Some of the slurpie, in its technicolor splash of red and blue would get on Hunter, who then would join forces with Jade to push Adam while he was in the middle of a particularly record breaking round of Dance Dance Revolution. 

Because he was inarguably the master at DDR, Davey would get pissed off at Jade and Hunter for interfering with a Very Serious Match, and retaliate by fucking up the tuning of Jade’s guitar, and using all the hot water so Hunter was forced to rinse off after a show in dick shrinking cold. 

After Jade spent fucking hours bent over his guitar like an old man strumming and twisting and cursing and whatever else, he’d enlist Smith and Fritch to gang-tackle Davey with him while he exited the bus, which resulted in two skinned knees and some ripped pants and a highly disgruntled Davey, who managed to bribe Hunter onto his side by promising he’d buy his coffee for the rest of the tour. 

Then Hunter and Davey would hyjack the bus when Smith and Jade were inside a minimart paying for gas, leaving them in Buttfuck Texas with their skateboards and twenty bucks each. Because Adam and Fritch were unluckily in the bathroom pissing when the Bus Hyjacking Incident, as it came to be called, occurred, they both ganged up with the Jade and Smith side of things to seek vengance. Hunter, a cunning businessman, valued his own safety and dignity above free coffee for the rest of the tour and decided it was in his best interest to ditch Davey (who was the one driving the bus when it happened, for godsakes.) He knew what team was preferable when it came to Prank Wars, and it was certainly wasn’t Davey’s. 

This also always happened on tour. Somehow, each member of the band or crew systematically joined forced with Jade, whose main goal in life aside from shredding sweet ass solos or whatever was to rip on Davey Havok. Outside of tour boredom, Davey and Jade were close to inseparable. It was kind of sick, actually, how attached at the hip they where back at home. But when on tour, and when bored, Jade made Davey his main target in the Prank Wars, gaining everyone’s trust and alliance so he could cause the most bodily harm and distress to Davey.

Most everyone assumed it was because Davey was an easy target. And really, he was. The shortest, youngest, and arguably weirdest member of the band, everyone ripped on him anyway. No one else wore mesh and PVC and three centimeter thick white face makeup onstage. No one else has posters of Johnny Depp and Glen Danzig tacked up to their wall with glittery heart stickers from Walgreens. Everyone loved Davey in all of his eccentricity, but they also loved to make fun of him. He was a good person to to rag on because it was easy, but he took it in stride, laughing along with the jokes at his expense and letting them roll like water off a duck’s back. 

Or so everyone thought. Maybe they were all wrong. Maybe Davey was not as seemingly unaffected as a ducky in a lake, paddling cheerily. Maybe Davey was actually closer to that balloon, blown up to its full extent and only a few exhalations away from popping. 

By the time they got to Maryland on the AOD tour, Davey had enough of Jade’s systematic elimination of all his bridges. He was tired of missing eyeliner, he was tired of turning on his walkman only to have it blast Mariachi music at full volume into his performance sensitive ears. He was tired of turning away from his soda for two seconds only to turn around to five faces split in half with five shit-eating grins, and parmesan cheese floating in his glass. But most of all, he was tired of Jade being a dick. 

As lame as it was, Davey was realizing that his happiness was kind of dependent on Jade, and how nice Jade was being to him. It was downright pathetic, because Jade was stupid and infantile and manipulative and totally not worth it, and on top of that and possibly even more pressing was the fact that Davey abhorred the idea of being dependent on anything. It was against the very core of his beliefs, everything he shaped his identity around and held closest to his heart. It was why he made sure to not be dependent on anything physical, solid, or addictive, and instead place all his faith and hope and need in music. 

This was why Jade’s persistent attempts to humiliate and piss him off were particularly unsettling: Jade was fucking with Davey’s concept of straightedge, and that would simply not do. He had to be destroyed. Annihilated.

Before deciding Davey is completely crazy, let it be known that he did, on some logical and undeluded level of himself, know that caring what Jade thought about him did not count as an edge break. That was absurd. Still, Davey had complex additives to normal people’s definitions of things, and a tendency to overanalyze shit, so somehow this all added up to a betrayal of edge in Davey’s brain, hence his formal decision to end Jade in some sense of the word, therefore ending all his confusion. He needed to prank Jade, and he needed to prank him royally. So royally, everyone would shift their loyalties and Jade would be forced to be nice to him in order to regain lost alliances. 

The trouble was, Davey was downright bad at Prank Wars. The pranks he thought up were either too detailed and involved to actually execute, or just ineffective and not funny. See Fig. A, the Bus Hijack Incident. 

So on the drive from Richmond to DC, where they were playing a show in two days, Davey plotted the perfect prank. Something feasible but still clever. He was so deep in thought by the time the van slowed to a jerky stop, he didn’t even realize they’d been on the road long enough to reach their destination. Due to his current location at the very bottom of the metaphorical totem pole, he’d been shoved in the trunk of the van, sandwiched between a precarious stack of amps and Adam’s disassembled drum set. Before he knew it, he was alone with aforementioned equipment, and everyone else was padding around outside, stretching and complaining. 

He squirmed around, trying to see outside. It looked like they were in the middle of fucking nowhere, judging by the scrubby pine trees and neat, white rows of houses he could see through the windows, which he had limited access too. It didn’t look like DC. It looked like Buttfuck, East Coast Suburb, because to Davey all suburbs on the east coast looked essentially the same. Suddenly there was a rapping at the trunk door, and the unmistakable coffin ring clicking against the glass stubbornly. Jade’s unmistakable coffin ring. 

“You gonna stay in there all day, Dave?” He quipped in a muffled voice, his face replacing his hand, one eyebrow raised. Davey glared back at him, gesturing to the tetris puzzle of shit trapping him in the trunk and blocking all but the tiny window of space they were regarding each other in. 

“I’d love to get out, but unfortunately I can’t even lift my ass cheek to fart. So if you’d be so kind, I’d really appreciate being let out of here,” Davey snapped, Jade smiled toothily, shaking his head. 

“You know, if you’s asked nicely I might have considered it, but that tone, Dave...” 

“Fuck you, man. My back is killing me,” Davey said through his teeth. 

“Whatever, princess. I’ll let you out like a little bitch,” Jade announced snarkily, hefting open the trunk door and calling Adam. “Yo, Brawny Drummer Boy. Will you help me get this shit out?” 

By the time Davey had actually been freed from his prison of amplifiers and cords, he really had to piss, had lost sensation in his left leg, and was ten times as fired up about Jade’s impending demise he had been prior to their arrival in whatever motherfucking little town they’d parked in. It didn’t help that he’d been subjected to watching Jade’s sinewy biceps tense every time he lifted something, forearms dusted in haphazard array of freckles, still visible under the hair there which was fuzzy from being matted down under his sweat shirt sleeves. Which he’s since rolled up to the elbow. Davey was five seconds away from actually groaning aloud over how unfair this whole thing was, and actually, for the briefest of seconds, imagined himself dropping trou, whipping it out, and pissing on Jade the second he got out of the van. 

Of course he didn’t follow through with such a prank, seeing as it might permanently destroy the potential of Jade ever being nice to him again, which was the whole point. Instead, he stormed away as soon as his tennis shoes hit the gravel driveway with a disgruntled crunch, stalking over to the closest bush and taking his dick out, sighing as he pissed. 

Everyone watched him, creases through their brows. “Gross dude,” Hunter sighed, helping Adam and Jade load the shit back into the van. “I kind of think that’s illegal. And make sure Chelby doesn’t see you, she’ll be pissed.” 

Davey flipped them off without looking over his shoulder, instead surveying the scenery around them. Yep, middle of nowhere. Woods, and modest colonial houses with identical porches. “Where the hell are we?” He asked, tucking his dick back in after shaking it a few times, just for good measure. “And whose Chelby?” 

“Hunter’s friend from Maryland. You know, chick whose boyfriend is in that band we played with in Mephis? Chelby? The one whose oh so generously offering us a the couch and some air mattresses for fucking free so we don’t have to shell out another eighty bucks for a hotel?” Jade explained, tossing his duffel of dirty clothes and toiletries over his shoulder. 

Davey squinted. “I don’t remember hearing one word about this,” he griped, following Jade up the wooden stairs to the porch where Smith was already standing, ringing the doorbell with one hand and tugging absentmindedly at his wilted mohawk with the other. 

“What the fuck. You must have gone deaf when Fritch blew that vuvuzela in your ear.” 

“While I was sleeping.” 

“While you were sleeping you went deaf, dude, because we talked this out at the burrito place last night. Hunter remembered he had a friend in Maryland and he called her and set it up and shit,” Jade said, reaching for Davey’s devil lock which he managed to catch in his fist before Davey ducked out of the way instinctually, fearing some kind of bodily harm seeing as the Prank War had escalated to such extremes. 

“I wasn’t at the burrito place, I stayed at the hotel scrubbing silly string out of my favorite pair of jeans,” Davey griped, just before the screen door swung open noisily and a bunch of greetings were exchanged with their host, who was this tough looking brunette girl with a messy ponytail and a chest piece tattoo partially obscured on her blue and white striped tank top.

“You guys must be the rest of AFI,” She said after hugging Hunter, pushing oily bangs from her face. “So, I’ve been warned ahead of time that you’re in the midst of some hardcore prank war...I completely support and understand this endeavor,” she said, holding her index finger up, eyes narrowed. “But...I insist that when you’re inside of the house, you call a truce. I don’t want anything getting broken or anyone getting hurt. Or, actually I don’t give a fuck if y’all get hurt, but I do care about my shit. Fair enough? Can I let you assholes in the house and trust you to keep it in your pants?” 

Everyone exchanged heated glances, and after a moment of tension, Jade diffused it by offering his hand to Chelby. “Scout’s honor. No pranks on the premises.” Then he saluted like a little prick. 

“Excellent. Welcome,” She said, grabbing Hunter’s bag and leading the way inside as they all filed in behind her. Davey stomped in at the end of the train, grumbling to himself. Jade would have to wait. 

~*~

It turned out that the next day, they went sailing. Which was completely unexpected because who the fuck went sailing? Davey had never been sailing before. Hell, Davey had never even been in the Atlantic ocean before, so even in spite of the whole Prank War, he was kind of stoked. Once it became known that Chelby had recently inherited her Dad’s sailboat, Hunter and Smith would not stop begging until she agreed she’d take them out on it the following day if the weather permitted. Davey was at first reluctant, seeing as the beach seemed like the perfect place to actually die at the hand of one of Jade’s pranks, (he could just see himself getting swept away by a riptide or something), but he kind of softened to the idea by the end of the night. 

This change of heart was helped by the fact that Jade, at least during the momentary truce, had started being miraculously nice to him again. They had to share an air mattress (because they always were the ones who shared a bed when things got tight, for some inexplicable reason), and just before they crashed Jade had reached across the few inches of flocked rubber between them, poking Davey’s bicep. 

“Hey,” he’d slurred in his exhaustion. “Shake my hand.” 

Davey stirred then tensed, half fearing that Jade would have one of those electric buzzers in his palm or something. “Why?” He asked suspiciously. 

“Cause I wanna make sure I won’t wake up with shaving cream all over my face or some shit,” Jade had mumbled, scooting closer to Davey. The mattress creaked underneath him, warmth from his skin permeating the vacancy between their bodies and making Davey tighten his stomach. 

“I don’t think I’m the one we need to worry about, you backstabber.” Davey answered, though his voice was softened around the edges with probably unwise trust. Because Davey was tired from a day of travel, and because they sometimes did this without it being weird, he tilted back to fit their frames together, like measuring cups in his mother’s old baking drawer. He felt Jade involuntarily inhale. 

“I promise I won’t try anything,” he muttered, reaching around Davey’s body and fumbling up his chest. “Where’s your hand, dude?” he grumbled. Davey offered it to him, and they lazily half shook, half embraced before nodding off to sleep. 

This tentative peace between them lasted through the homemade breakfast Adam scrapped together for them in Chelby’s kitchen, and for the entire drive to the beach. Davey was beginning to think he might not even need to resort to seriously maiming Jade, until he was proven horribly wrong the second they actually got to the beach and Jade found a dead puffer fish bogged down in the sand in some stinking heap of kelp. Naturally, he speared it on a stick and proceeded to chase Davey, in his shoes and overlarge Deadguy shirt, up and down the beach yelling “kiss it! Kiss it Dave, look, it’s smiling at you!” It was like trying to run inside a tent with weights on his feet, and after about five minutes of him panting himself to death and everyone else, including Chelby who didn’t even know him being reduced to utter hysterics, Davey’s deathwish for Jade had returned, full force. 

Davey was finally coaxed onto the boat (after Jade disposed of the putrid fish, which made this sickening plopping sound as it disappeared under the water) where he sat in a defensive ball, arms crossed over his chest. The east coast was almost unbearably humid in the summer months, making all of his clothes stick to him just like cellophane, creating a sweaty second skin. He was grateful, then, that there was a crisp breeze out on the water, forcing him to draw himself into a little ball, bunched up like foil. 

Everyone milled around on the boat for awhile, Chelby barking at people to get out of the way so she could do all these complicated sailory things like tying knots and moving things from one side of the boat to the other and clicking them into place. Hunter seemed interested in the whole process (or, he was interested in Chelby, Davey could never tell with Hunter) so he followed her around, nodding a lot and acting rapt with fascination while the sun reflected painfully off of the electric yellow-white of his bleached hair. Davey was practically blinded by it, and the only way to escape from the line of fire was to either wait for Hunter to move, or occupy the space on the boat next to Jade. 

Davey hated Jade right now. Jade, who was also blindingly, painfully white and shirtless, farmers tan interrupting the even scattering of freckles on his arms. Jade who was drinking a coke lazily, slouched on the bench with his hair wind-tousled and overgrown, eyes obscured by the mirrored lenses of some cheap ass sunglasses he’d picked up at the dollar store after Adam shattered his old pair in a prank. Davey might have been staring, but he wasn’t sure, until of course, the snarky comment came. 

“Are you thinking up something witty to say, Dave? Because I’m pretty sure the window of comic timing has passed,” Jade said, cocking his head. 

Davey blinked, spots of burning light making his head ache. “No, I was actually contemplating sitting next to you to avoid permanent eye damage courtesy of Hunter’s hair. You know, weighing the risk of you having another dead fish to touch me with hidden in your swim trunks,” Davey snapped. 

Jade patted the empty space beside him, smiling. “You never know, I’m full of surprises.” 

Davey, as if he was possessed by some force outside of himself, got up and walked clumsily to the spot, stumbling from lack of sea-legs. He couldn’t believe what a whipped piece of shit he was, walking right into the war zone and plopping down beside the enemy. Davey tossed his devil lock out of his face, irritated at how the salty, humid air was making it curl up into a ridiculous little poof at his forehead. Davey’s dignity was completely obliterated, and what was worse, by this skinny, pale ass, freckled dude. By Jade, his long time friend and sometimes room mate who was on his side almost every other day of the year. What on earth had Davey done to warrant such treatment? Why did Jade become such a royal douche on tour? Why was Davey always the butt of every joke?

Davey was contemplating this puzzling list of questions when Jade piped up. “Hey Chelby, are there, um, sharks in the Atlantic ocean?” His voice seemed level, even nonchalant, but Davey could detect the subtle note of anxiety underneath it, churning quietly like a current. He listened carefully. 

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure the Great White is native to the Atlantic...and then Blue sharks, Tiger Sharks, some other stuff. My dad told me some stories when I was a kid that scared the shit out of me,” she explained, standing steadily while the rest of them held onto the boat, unstable and clumsy. 

“Awesome. So if we fall off of this boat, we get eaten?” Jade asked, half joking. 

“Yup. Torn to bits,” Chelby answered, half joking. 

Davey actually saw Jade’s adams apple bob as he swallowed nervously, smiling a vaguely panicked smile that did not meet his eyes. “Punk rock!” He said, but Davey could tell he was freaked out. It was a little known fact that Jade was petrified of fish, namely sharks. Davey discovered it this one time a couple of months ago when they’d been watching movies together, and he suggested they put in Jaws. Jade had made a face, clenching his teeth and shivering. “Okay dude, but just know I’ll cover my eyes like, the whole time. Sharks are so motherfucking fucked up, dude. You know if you wear a wetsuit, they’ll mistake you for a seal and bite your leg off? And they hunt in packs? I mean, all fish suck.” Jade had sounded positively disturbed by the whole thing. 

Davey sat there, holding the VHS box for Jaws. “Fish, Jade? You’re afraid of fish?” 

“Come on man! Can you imagine being stuck out in the middle of the ocean after your boat capsizes or whatever, hanging out there in freezing water waiting for someone to rescue you, and you start to feel fish, with their nasty fish mouths, start nibbling on your toes?” 

“Jade when the fuck are you ever going to be on a sinking boat? It’s a totally irrational fear.” 

“I dunno, every time I get in a bathtub I think of it. Just getting slowly eaten by fish. And then bleeding into the water and attracting sharks and getting chomped in two bites. Ugh. Fucking disgusting.” 

Davey, at the time, admitted it was a pretty creepy notion, opted to watch Jurassic Park instead of Jaws, and had forgotten about Jade’s fish/shark phobia all together. That is, until now. He hadn’t even realized that Jade had been kind of antsy all day (he was, after all, distracted by the smelly ass fish corpse he’d been tormented with), remaining glued to that bench since boarding the sailboat and clenching with a white knuckled grip onto the side. 

“Hey, if you’re so scared of fish, how did you grow the balls to chase me around with that dead one?” Davey asked, not because he cared, but because he needed to know if Jade’s fear was still persistent. 

“Well, it was dead. It wasn’t going to eat me. Plus, it’s mostly the stranded-out-at-sea-knowing-the-sharks-are-coming thing that freaks me out,” Jade explained in a hushed voice, like he didn’t want anyone else to know he was afraid of something as mainstream and lame as sharks. 

“Oh. I see,” Davey said calmly, before he grabbed Jade by the skinny shoulders and wrestled his shocked, scrambling body overboard. He landed with a kind of gross sounding smack as Davey stood there wide eyed, shocked at himself and his impulsivity and of course, thje image of Jade’s flailing white limbs as they hit the water.

“What the fuck, did Jade just jump off the boat? Smith asked, looking up from his crossword puzzle he’d been trying to complete in spite of the wind. 

“Keep going,” Davey urged to Chelby, who was looking a little startled as she scanned the horizon for Jade’s sputtering self. 

“Can he swim? He doesn’t look like he can swim...” she declared, pointing to a spot in the water of fervent, panicked motion. Jade’s arms were pinwheeling, little white sticks in so much blue. He looked terrified, so Davey felt vindicated.

“He’s fine,” Davey said, but everyone started to look at him with their eyes narrowed suspiciously, brows raised. “Did you...did you push him in?!” Hunter asked. His accusatory glare was mirrored in four other faces. Davey squirmed uncomfortably under their gazes. 

“We weren’t going that fast...” he tried. Smith’s mouth fell open in shock, Fritch bust up laughing, and Hunter and Adam both rushed to the starboard side to shout to Jade, making sure he hadn’t drowned or whatever. 

“Jesus Christ, this thing can’t turn on a dime...” Chelby muttered, slamming the sail’s metal framework to the opposite side to change direction, making the boat begin a slow, sweeping turn in a circle towards Jade. 

“Dude, you could have killed him had he landed the wrong way! Those carbon bonds in water hurt like a bitch, he could have broken his neck...did you see which way he landed?!” Smith crowed to Davey, protective brother side erupting and taking hold. Davey cowered, realizing he’d failed yet again and this prank fell into the “dangerous” and “too much” category. He should have stuck to stealing busses. 

Luckily, everyone was too preoccupied with rescuing Jade to properly be appalled at Davey, so he kind of hung back and observed the action, feeling guilty and wondering why in the hell he cared so much about Jade’s regard for him. He was deep into the process of self-loathing and regret by the time Chelby and Smith successfully hauled Jade onto the deck, sputtering and soggy and puking foam all over himself. Hunter smacked Jade on the shoulder, everyone glared at Davey, and Jade wrapped himself in a towel and shook a lot, occasionally choking up a mouthful of phlegmy foam and spitting it between his feet. 

He didn’t talk to Davey or even look at him for a good twenty minutes, forcing Davey to go over one hundred terrible scenarios in his head where he had to either exist without Jade in his life, replace AFI’s guitarist, or win back his affection through a systematic plan of of persistent sucking up. Luckily, Jade decided his mortification or fury or whatever it was had subsided enough to talk to Davey after awhile, and he looked up from his lap, eyes wide and kind of bloodshot from sea water. 

“Dave?” 

“...look, I’m sorry dude. I wasn’t actually trying to kill you; I’m just really bad at pranks, and...” Davey rambled guiltily, hiding behind his hair. Jade cut him off by rolling his eyes, leaning forward and grabbing Davey’s devil lock in a fist. Davey cringed. 

“I dunno, it was a pretty good prank. I give you an A for effort. Seeing as you played into my greatest fear and all. Like a real good pal,” Jade’s voice was sort of scathing, but Davey could tell he was more pissed at himself for acting like a royal pussy in the face of his fish-phobia than he was pissed at Davey for exploiting it. 

“Nah, it was a douche move. I’m sorry,” Davey muttered, fairly certain he hadn’t improved his chances at all in terms of making Jade nicer to him, or in terms of winning back allies. In fact, he’d probably isolated everyone for the rest of the tour, let alone every potential future Prank War. 

“Maybe. You know, I’m gonna be sore as fuck tomorrow. Playing a show is gonna suck major balls,” Jade said, rubbing at his neck dramatically, narrowing his eyes in this guilt-trippy way. Davey gulped, sulking. He’d totally forgotten about the show. 

“I’m really, really sorry Jade,” was all he could think to say. 

“It’s okay. I might stop hating you in a few hours, but know that right now you’re in mortal peril,” Jade said with a wink. Davey couldn’t tell if he was kidding or not, but it didn’t matter a whole fucking lot seeing as either way, he might not survive to play the show tomorrow, and whatever prank ended in his death, he probably deserved. 

~*~

After a long day of sailing, sunburn, and social alienation, Davey was exhausted and somewhat homicidal by the time they made it back to Chelby’s place in the evening. Most everyone but him (and Jade, he presumed) had forgotten about his ill fated prank, and they were all chatting and laughing and fighting over a heap of brightly colored menus on the coffee table, debating over the best take out options. 

Davey had no appetite, so he slunk away to the office his air mattress was currently occupying, looking for some deserved alone time with his walkman and self-pity. Much to his dismay, however, he was not alone. Jade was propped up on his pillow, thumbing through some boring looking dusty ass tome and holding an ice pack to his neck. Davey shrunk to the doorframe. 

“Sorry, want me to leave?” he asked, eyes downcast to the cover of Jade’s book (Atlas Shrugged, the smug, pretentious bastard) so he wouldn’t have to meet his eyes. “I’m assuming you still hate me,” he added awkwardly. 

Jade was quiet for a moment, fingers rustling along the edges of his novel. He placed it on his lap slowly, pretending to look at an imaginary watch on his bony wrist. “It’s been long enough. I suppose I can stop hating you.” 

“What a generous offer,” Davey mumbled, all snarkiness erased by the guilt in his voice. Jade sighed, tucking his book back into the duffel beside the mattress. 

“I don’t hate you anymore, but my neck still might. So consider the fact we’re having a conversation as quite the display of generosity.” Jade tightened his grip on the icepack for emphasis, dark eyes twinkling with some hard to identify emotion. Amusement, perhaps, but Davey wasn’t sure. He trusted his gut, however, and took the possibility of amusement as a green light to cautiously inch from the doorjamb, creeping across the office floor until he was sitting beside Jade on the air mattress. His weight upset the delicate balance and Jade tilted into him until so their bodies touched, separated by layers of blanket and fabric. That infinitesimal contact was what made Davey blurt what he blurted, because it somehow made his brain and mouth work simultaneously. 

Before Davey could second guess himself he was asking Jade “Do you want me to rub your neck? Seeing as I fucked it up and everything?” 

The firmness of Jade’s gaze wavered for a second, and then that slight twinkle of mirth was back, making his eyes seem too big and too endless. Davey’s mouth went dry and he felt foolish and marooned, like he was out at sea and the sharks and fish were about two seconds away from a feeding frenzy. 

“That would be great. Thanks,” Jade told him, tossing the ice pack to the side and shifting to his back was to Davey, the topmost knob his spine visible over the frayed collar of an old Kissme KissmeKissme shirt. And as Davey stared at that imperfect shape under his skin, white and solid looking like something carved from marble, he opened his mouth and started blabbing again, mouth disconnected from his brain. 

“Take your shirt off,” he asked in this nonchalant voice, and Jade didn’t even make a snippy comment or hesitate. He just followed command, pulling the faded black teeshirt over his head and further ruffling his already windswept hair. 

Then his hands were at Jade’s back, kneading the tight, warm expanse of his freckled upper shoulders and neck, the soft skin feeling too-hot and too-real under Davey’s hands. He’d touched Jade here before; he’d touched Jade almost everywhere save for the obviously awkward places. They’d known each other long enough that bodily contact in and of itself was no mystery to either of them, but something about this particular incident was changing the air in the room, making it tense and thick with a reckless kind of promise. Davey’s heartbeat was an almost audible thing, a two beat reminder echoing the meaningful truth: you two are alone. Alone together. Alone together. Alone together. 

What’s more is that Davey’s dick was stirring in his gym shorts, twitching against his inner thigh and generating a kind of impossible to ignore heat. He shifted, digging his thumbs in between Jade’s bony shoulder blades, easing out knots. Jade kind of mumbled something too soft to hear. 

“Good?” Davey asked carefully, voice quiet.

“Eh. Not bad. You could go harder though,” Jade answered, shifting subtly backwards so his lower back was touching Davey’s feet, which were crossed in a loose-pretzel in front of him and his now decidedly half-hard dick. He slid his hands up to Jade’s narrow neck, index fingers coming to rest just under the black choker. He dug in fiercely with his thumbs, wrists aching with the strain. 

“Better?” He asked, involuntarily sliding his left hand up to the base of Jade’s skull, fingers threading through his hair. He watched himself as if out of body, half-terrified by his hands and their stupid recklessness. 

“Not bad.” Jade shrugged noncommittally. 

“I’m doing you a favor, dude, you could at least act appreciative,” Davey said, deeply concerned with how soft Jade’s hair was, and how badly he wanted to tighten his fist in it and pull, dragging Jade’s head back onto his own shoulder and exposing the jagged skyline of this throat. He imagined mouthing a wet path from Jade’s jaw to his ear, and felt the distinct sensation of precum smearing between the head of his cock and the gauzy polyester fabric of his gym shorts. 

“Says the guy who threw me off a boat,” Jade answered, dead pan. He was choosing to ignore Davey’s hand in his hair, so Davey left it there, not quite sure what to do. 

“How many times do I have to apologize before you--”

“Harder,” Jade interrupted him. Davey shut up, kneading into Jade’s shoulders with more concentrated intensity. He could feel his vertebrae, the delicate outline of the things Jade’s structure was made of. He ground his teeth together, trying to keep it together. 

“Harder, Dave, jeez you fucking massage like a girl,” Jade criticized, a smugness to his voice. And that was when Davey snapped for the second time that day, but instead of tossing Jade overboard a sailboat and throwing him to the sharks, he pushed him forward by the shoulders, pressing his chest to Jade’s back and knocking him onto his hands and knees. 

“umph,” was Jade’s first response, a kind of visceral shock as his hands flew out to brace himself against the mattress. Then, “What the fuck?” as he shivered there, trapped by Davey’s heaving chest. Davey didn’t know what the fuck he was doing. He was kind of blind with wanting him, so he fisted across Jade’s stomach with a needy, desperate hand, feeling the muscles in his abdomen shudder and clench and break out in gooseflesh as he groped him mindlessly, breathing heavily in his ear. 

“Not what I expected,” Jade finally said with this intolerable confidence to his voice, as if it was exactly what he expected. Davey hated him then for a second, hated him for the silly string the the dead puffer fish and the dependency. The momentary wild, undiluted hate only further clouded his mind, however, and before he knew it he was grinding his achingly hard cock into the crease of Jade’s ass, infuriated by the sweatpants keeping him from actually seeing Jade’s ass and all its penetrable glory. 

“Holy shit, you’re hard, aren’t you?” Jade said, sounding elated. Because Davey was so weak and fucked up with desire, he was easy to overpower, and Jade scrambled out from under him, demonstrating incredible athleticism for a recently injured person. Davey would have suspected he had been faking to get a free massage if he was thinking clearly, but he was not, so instead he just let Jade push him onto his back and slide a firm, commanding hand up his trembling thigh, thumbing the inseam of his gym shorts. 

Jade’s eyes got even darker when he saw the wet spot on the front of the tented material, and without hesitating he was palming Davey’s dick through his shorts, holding his shoulder firmly to the air mattress with his other free hand. “God, you sick gay fuck, you were getting off to that. Getting off to rubbing my neck, touching me...you probably pushed me off the boat just to get your hands on my skin,” he said breathlessly, thumb rubbing insistently at the head of Davey’s erection. 

This was all happening terrifyingly fast, and Davey could hardly process the insult concealed in Jade’s comment. Instead he just thrust up into Jade’s palm, hips bucking with graceless jerks. Then it hit him. Why Jade was being such an asshole, why the pranks got so out of hand. 

“Shit,” He mumbled, letting his hands slide up around Jade’s throat where this thumbs pressed to the jittery pulse. “I’m not as bad as you, getting off to teasing me for what, months? You’re like some fucking little boy, chasing girls around the playground and being assholes just so they get attention...”he said too fast. Still, Jade’s cheeks flushed a deep crimson, even brighter than usual under his sunburn. Davey liked it, liked the raw, exposed look of Jade when he blushed, so he kept going. “That’s why you’ve been treating me like such shit lately,” Davey hissed, dragging Jade’s body close to his own, their chests arching to press together like two fevered things. “Because you want to fuck me.” 

Davey managed to spit the fuck out with as much venom as he intended before the me got lost in Jade’s mouth, which crashed sloppily into his with a muted clack of teeth. And this, this was what Davey had wanted, this was what he meant all along by ending Jade. They kissed hungrily with no air, Jade licking his lips apart so demandingly Davey felt like he didn’t know how to open his mouth wide enough. And then Jade was biting him, pulling on his lip ring, groaning into him and finally, finally sliding his hand inside the loose leg of Davey’s gym shorts to grip his dick. He fisted it a few times before pulling away, sitting back on his haunches to regard Davey all torn and debauched on someone else’s air mattress.

There was a wild desperation in his eyes, like he’d been meaning to do this for a long time. Then his hands were back to Davey’s body, yanking his shorts down around his ass and to his ankles before he got them all the way off and tossed them to the side, eyes fixed on Davey’s spread legs, raging hard on, and quivering stomach. 

“You know, if you wanted me like this you could have just been nice. It usually works,” Davey managed to say in an even voice, one eyebrow raised. He expected Jade to smirk and say some smart-alecky comment, but instead he shook his head, hands shaking as he rested them on the pale insides of Davey’s thighs. 

“No. Not with you. I didn’t know how to do it with you,” Jade said, shaking his head. Then he leaned forward and reached out, grabbing Davey’s devil lock in one hand, smiling weakly. “You make me so stupid, man. I don’t even know.” 

And Davey smiled, hooking his fingers in Jade’s choker and forcing their mouths back together, because kissing was better than breathing and he really didn’t need air like he needed Jade’s body flush against his dick. “Well, now you do know,” Davey mumbled in between sloppy kisses and the graceless grinding of two inexpert pairs of hips.

Somehow, in spite of so much enthusiasm, Davey managed to get Jade’s sweatpants down. The skin to skin contact of their wet dicks sliding together was enough for Davey’s head to loll backwards out of the kiss, eyes screwed shut and static obscuring his vision as Jade adhered his mouth to his adam’s apple, pressing a series of desperate kisses to the skin there. Davey could feel his own pulse racing under Jade’s lips, and he heard his voice mumble from somewhere far away, “I wanna come in your mouth.” 

This was not the kind of eloquence Davey Havok liked to be known for, but he also threw Jade off of a boat earlier than day so it seemed that this was just a particularly bad 24 hours for his reputation. He was past caring at this point, however, seeing as Jade immediately shifted position so his head was between his legs. It took a grand total of thirty nine seconds for Davey to come after Jade pressed his swollen lips to the head of his cock and swallowed him. A grand total of thirty line lashes of the tongue, a total of thirty nine cheek-hollowing sucks. Certainly, Davey Havok’s reputation had seen better days, but Davey Havok himself really hadn’t seen a better day than this, so he supposed the compromise was acceptable. 

As he came down from the erratic spasms of blowing his load down Jade’s willing throat, Davey opened his eyes hazily to find Jade straddling his body reverse cowgirl style, ass, in all its penetrable glory, presented in front of Davey’s face like the greatest thing he’d ever had the privilege to witness. Jade had only just recovered from swallowing a stinging more-than-mouthful of jizz when Davey grabbed his hips and dragged him down into a sitting position on his face. 

“Whoa,” Jade yelped, squirming as Davey licked his ass determinedly, swirling his tongue at the puckered entrance until the initial shock and tension gave way, and Jade opened up to him with a maddened hiss that escaped from between his teeth. Davey pushed his tongue inside, spent dick throbbing at Jade’s musky flavor, still salty from the ocean. Groping blindly along the topography of Jade’s body Davey finally found his dick, jerking him off with a clumsy, out-of-practice-stroke that must have been getting the job done judging by all shaking and cursing Jade was doing. 

As Davey felt Jade tighten and force his tongue from his body, the entire expanse of his flesh tightened like a wire, snapping and convulsing as he came in hot spurts over Davey’s fist. Then he collapsed across Davey’s body without changing position, ass still deliciously displayed, only now exposed and glistening with Davey’s saliva, still twitching with aftershocks. Davey stared, stomach clenching. He slid an index finger down the crease, loving the way Jade’s body tensed and jumped at the contact. “Next time, that’ll be my dick,” was the first thing he said as Jade’s panting quieted. 

Jade laughed weakly, tracing gently mindless patterns across Davey’s thigh. They laid there in silence for a long while, skin cooling and breath slowing. Jade huffed, closing his legs and the display Davey was drinking in with unabashed blatancy. 

“I cannot believe the first time we fucked you licked my asshole,” Jade finally declared. “I knew there was a reason I loved you.” His voice got hoarse at the end as he let the confession slip out, and Davey could actually feel the heat from his flushing cheeks somewhere near his kneecap. He was quiet for a moment before he said:

“Hopefully there’s more than one reason?” 

“Too many to count,” Jade responded. 

“You’re shit at showing it,” Davey told him after a pause, thinking of the pufferfish, the surprise tackling, the insistent repeated attempts to piss him off and get under his skin. 

“Says the guy who threw me off a boat,” Jade countered. “Seriously dude, your argument will be invalid for the rest of eternity. You threw a shark phobic person overboard in the ocean. You’re a terrible human,” Jade said this all very seriously before hauling himself up and looking over his shoulder at Davey with this stupid smile. They grinned at each other stupidly, and Davey noticed Jade’s arms were shaking with the exertion of holding himself up and post orgasm high. “Truce?” Jade asked. 

Davey narrowed his eyes, squinting at Jade’s palm in case he magically summoned something gross or painful into it within the last three seconds. It seemed safe enough, so they shook on it, Davey’s thumb sliding easily along the bone in Jade’s wrist. “Truce.” 

“Until tomorrow,” Jade added, kissing Davey’s sternum.


End file.
